What The --?
by Chimbo Baggins
Summary: lets just say Dumbledore starts a foodfight and an innocent Narrator is caught in the midst. and the wonderful wonderful violence. WARNING!: severe Breakfast abuse! not for the overly sensitive! Also, there is Foul language. If that offends you, sorry.
1. Some Strange Goings On

REMEMBER: none of these characters are mine; they belong to the fantastic JK Rowling. 

NOTE: there is no exact time frame in this. If I want characters in this story, they will be there, even if Oliver Wood and Percy Should not be at Hogwarts at the same time as Dennis Creevey, they are. That is the beauty of writing fanfics. You can bend EVERYTHING! So, don't wrack your brains about it. J  

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Some Strange Goings on, If I Do Say So Myself. (and I do)

It was a beautiful morning outside Great Hall of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, but inside, you would need a chainsaw to cut the tension.

  The Gryffindors were at each other's throats the girls' tempers were already running high, (you know how if you spend enough time together all the That Time of the Months kinda meld together…well…) and when on of the boys pulled that "you women get so emotional" crap and that was it. The Ravenclaws and the Hufflepuffs were all holding each other back to keep from killing each other. Even the Professors at the staff table were squabbling like first years. It was complete bedlam. The Slytherins were only ones who were not fighting. In fact, they were peacefully eating their eggs. A little too peacefully, actually…

  We join our our Friends Harry, Ron, Hermione and Company at the very loud Gryffindor table:

   "HEY!" Yells George Weasley "I RESENT BEING REFFERED TO AS 'AND COMPANY' I HAVE A NAME! I HAVE AN _IDENTITY_!!!"

Would you please leave me out of this? I am just doing my job, if you think it must be done, you may name every single damned Gryffindor at this table, Go ahead, I've got nothing but time. 

   George mumbles under his breath and then hurls his his fork (with Extreme Malice) at his Brother Percy. ANYWAY, if Mr. Weasley is quite finished…

    Ron and Hermione are having a furious, if not pointless argument over which one of them had woken up first, ("Ron, I think I would Remember coming down to the common room before you did. It was nearly empty and You Weren't In It!" "Hermione, stop being Mental, I was up and gone before you even came down." "That's what YOU think." "That's what I know!") alright, that's enough of that. Oliver Wood was just about to clock Fred Weasley on the head with his goblet, and the Creevey Brothers were beating the crap out of each other with their cameras. And our Dear Harry Potter is violently stabbing his sausage with his fork. What did that poor pork product ever do to you? 

"You try having you're entire bloody life Narrated! It gets old, alright.?!?!"

Touchy. Where Were We? Ah yes. Poor sausage. Well, Gryffindors, as much, er, _fun_ as we are having here, we need to move on to the more interesting occurance of Perfectly Peaceful Slytherins.

"Oh, fine!" Says Parvati Patil as Alicia Spinnet spoons porridge into her hair, "just leave, because WE'RE not important! WE are not relevant! HELL! WE'RE NOT EVEN _HUMAN_!"

No, I don't think that's true, if you must know, you are all just bringing me down, ok? I was in a lovely mood and you all just jumped down my throat as soon as I got here to do exactly what I am supposed to do. No thanks. See ya around.

   Meanwhile, Draco Malfoy is complimenting Vincent Crabbe on his shirt and Pansy Parkinson is asking Someone to "Please Pass the Pumpkin juice." And I, in spite of myself, am rather scared. You never can tell with this lot.

  "Oh!, Please don't be frightened! Why ever would you be?" Simpers Gregory Goyle as I am slowly backing away. I need to find a new job. Well, now. Let us go and see whats up at the Staff Table, Shall we?  

   Professors McGonagall and Snape are having some kind of Vicious staring match. 

"Well thank you Miss Obvious!" says Snape, rather rudely, I might add, and my official title is Narrator, if you Don't Mind!

  "Ha ha! I beat you!" Screams McGonagall, jumping up on the High Table, "IN YOUR FACE SNAPE! RIGHT IN IT!!!! HELL YES! OH BLOODY HELL YES!!!!" Snape is now pushing Mcgonagall right off the table!

   "TAKE THAT, You old Hag!" Snape says, jumping up and down on his chair. And now Dumbledore takes a handful of hash browns and hurls it at Snape and McGonnagall. 

I'm sorry, did I say it was Bedlam Before? Well, now it's the #$*%ing Apocalypse! I am SO GONE! 

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What The Hell? Has the world turned upside down? Find out….Whenever I get around to writing it! stay tuned, kids! 

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	2. And We Continue to Get Nowhere.

A/N: Hey you lot, I don't own any of the characters except our Quirky Narrator. So Sad…oh, and I took the I feel good I feel great I feel wonderful thing from the movie "What about Bob" that's all.

A/N again: I sometimes use random capitalization when I type, I don't know why it happens and I can't really control it and I often don't catch it. sorry.

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And, We Continue to Get Nowhere!

 We Now Join the Narrator (me) in the entrance Hall, trying to calm herself. I am rather panicky right now…ah, look, Our Friends Harry Ron and Hermione are coming into the hall.

"Why am I always the last one said?" whines Hermione. 

If You all are going to start THAT again I am Leaving! I QUIT! 

"No! Don't!" Says Harry, oh god, I'm still doing it! "don't you want to help us figure out what's going on?"

Why would you want my help? You three are the Bobsey, er…Triplets… Can't you do it yourselves? That's what you do. It's what makes your lives warrant Narration.

"The Bobsey Who?" Says Ron. Ack. 

Nevermind that. What were you saying, Harry?

"Thanks, I was saying, we need you as an objective observer. We are all pissed. At everything. We need you to be rational for us. This is some weird shit."

Well, I do love a good Mystery. Fine. But if you people Get snide with me, I'm hitting you all over the head and locking you in a closet, THEN I'm Outta here!

"Agreed." Says Harry.

"Hey! WE havn't agreed to that!" Says Ron. 

"Oh, can it Ron, you're causing trouble!" says Hermione.

"Thank You Hermione" Harry Says. (switching the words around to break the monotony. BRILLIANT!?

"Oh, Shut up Harry, How dare you speak for me! I have my own Voice, thank you very much!" Hermione says Shrilly.

"So Who's side are you on? Mine or his?" Ron Cries.

"Oh, Don't you try to get me to take sides!" yells Hermione. Oh, Screw this! The Three Gryffindors are now shouting incoherently while the narrator is massaging her temples. What did I get myself into? It's just a job. It's just a job. I feel Good, I feel Great, I feel Wonderful…I feel Good, I feel Great, I feel Wonderful…there, that's better. 

The three shrieking bodies in front of the Narrator who now has a headache shut up immediately and snap to attention. (they do this) hey, cool. I didn't know I could do that…

NOW. Lets be rational. And lets get out of the entrance hall, s'il vous plait. 

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We are now reconvening in a remote corner of the Gryffindor Common room and this Narrator is desperately trying to get these others to PAY ATTENTION!!!!!!!!!!!!

 Magically, (A/N a bit of sarcasm there, not actually magic.) they do. well, wasn't that easy? Now, how're we going to figure this out? Should we make a graph, or a web chart, or maybe a flowchart? Or just a list?  But now, alas, the three Hogwarts pupils are participating in some sort grudge match that is now being held in Gryffindor Tower. I have Reason to believe that this was started by Lee Jordan who was going on about something like this at breakfast. Ah well. I may as well Join in. 

Narrator jumps into the ring that had materialized and starts pounding the bajeezus out of whoever was near. It is very very fun. I should beat the crap outa people more often. It is an excellent stress reliever. Anyway, Folks, we'll have to get back to you , cuz, WE'RE BEING VIOLENT AND YOU'RE NOT MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! So great! See ya soon. As soon as we ice our swollen…er,…parts…poor Neville…

  
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A/N: Sorry that the story didn't Progress much in this part, I was just going with the flow and it took me to violence. Why does that always happen? Oh well, I'm not complaining. Oh, and Please Please Review.


	3. La La La Hitting People Over the Head…

Note: Still, None of these Characters are mine except the Narrator and Dondalinger, and I think I stole his name From the Simpsons.

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La La La Hitting People Over the Head…

 Hello, Narrator Here, and I am now observing another mealtime, dinner, Here at Hogwarts. The Gryffindors Have broken out into fist fights, The Ravenclaws are asleep, The Hufflepuffs are crawling around on their hands and knees and making various barnyard Noises the Professors are Dancing to music that no one else can hear and The Slytherins are Sweetly and Quietly eating their Shepard's Pie. 

"MEOW" purrs Hufflepuff Ernie Macmillan. 

"SNORT! Ssnnnnnnooooooooooooreeeeeeee" snores Cho Chang

"THAT'S IT, WEASLY! YOU'RE DEAD!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!" Screams Seamus Finnigan as he Springs from his perch on a decorative Gargoyle and lands on Percy' Head. 

"AAACK! Get off of my head this instant! As Head boy I command you!" shrieks Percy. 

"You have some Nerve looking at me like that you #@%$ing  HAM!" yells Harry and throws a Ham across the room. It strikes Proffesor Snape who is in the Middle of  the Macarena. Snape continues to "get down". What is Harry's Problem with Pork? 

"IT IRRITATES ME!" he says in a tone that can only be expressed with capital letters. Moving on then.  

"Please Pass the butter." Says Malfoy angelically. 

"OH! That Is The Last F#$%ing Straw, Draco!" calls Harry from the Gryffindor table. He hurls himself straight at Malfoy.

"AAAAAIIIEEEEEEEE!" Shrieks Malfoy. Still angelically, Somehow. 

They are now rolling around on the ground Harry is yelling unspeakably obscene things to Malfoy and Malfoy is saying "Cut it out Potter!" and "Ow! That hurts!" and the Narrator is rather enjoying this. Suddenly, The current Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, an old Man by the name of Dondalinger came moon walking over Humming a Michael Jackson Tune. 

Excuse me boys but you're bringing me down

You are yelling really really er, loud

I guess the point I mean to make is 

Beat it just beat it

Prof. Dondalinger was rather boring and uncreative and just repeated this for awhile before the Narrator clobbered Him with a Spellbook. Harry then turned on the poor narrator who just can't catch a break.

"HEY! I Prefer To have Music While I'm Beating the Shit out of someone, IF YOU DON'T MIND!" he says. 

Oh yeah? Well remember what I said would happen if you were mean to me? 

"Um, no, not really." He says 

Well I do. The Narrator picks up a heavy serving Tray and knocks Harry on the head. He collapses. The Gryffindors Cheer. Thank you, Thank you. I'll be here All week, and I'll clobber whoever you want. 

"Oh, THANK you!" Says Malfoy and Throws his arms around the Narrator and Hugs her till her Eyes are popping and She hits him on the head too. Hmm this could be interesting the narrator thinks amid the gasps of horror from the Slytherins who all rush forward to see if their comrade is alive. The Narrator Brandishes her Trusty Tray. BACK YOU SAVAGES! BACK! They all say "EEEK" and go back to their dinner.  The Narrator Feels Mischievous. The Narrator Drags Both Boys out of the Great Hall and into a broom closet., shut the door and waits for the fun to begin. 

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Yeah, I could fit what happens into this chapter…but why do that when I can make you all wait. Ha Ha Ha! I love the Power!!!!! But let me assure you, it will be very _interesting…_


	4. Just Because It's Dark in Here, Potter.....

A/N: I still don't own any of these characters 'cept for the Narrator. And there is Franglais in this chapter…just a little. 

Oh, and Thanks to everyone who reviewed. Keep it up. J

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Just Because it's Dark in here, Potter…

The Narrator Speaks in a whispering tone. Hey, all. As you well know the Narrator, (that would be me) got fed up and put Harry and Malfoy in a closet. The Narrator Shall only be calling the plays as she sees them and not speaking to the characters as she doesn't want to spoil the fun. Ooh! They're waking up. Let us observe.

"OW!!! Get the hell off my leg, Potter!" cries Draco, rather uncharacteristic of his recent demeanor, I must say. Harry opens his eyes. Why can the Narrator see this in the pitch black of the closet? Beats the hell out of me but it's tres convenient, N'est-ce pas? Oops, Franglais. Anyway:

"Sorry." Says Harry as he begins feeling around at the walls, breathing loudly. I-I-I-I I can't- Are we in a closet? I- I can't see!" There is a definite hint of panic in his voice.

"Relax, Potter, Relax." Says Malfoy soothingly, the Narrator is getting confused. "Relax. What could happen in this dark closet in which we are presumably, hopefully alone?"

"Well, the thing is, I'm really claustrophobic. It must be all those traumatic years of sleeping in the Cupboard Under the Stairs" Harry, for some reason, whispers.

Oh, that's awful, Potter." Says Malfoy disinterestedly. He begins to massage Harry's Neck (A/N: Lucky-ass sonofabitch.) 

 "Uh…Malfoy, what are you doing?" asks Harry shakily. The Narrator is wondering if she wants to be in here. 

"You're carrying so much tension here." He replies silkily…Harry is pressing his back up against the closet wall. Oh, crap, the narrator is feeling really bad right about now…HONEST! I had no IDEA this would happen…well everyone had SOME Idea.

But I didn't mean for this to—well, I wanna see what's gonna happen soooo…

"Er, Draco, I don't, uh, Swing that way, man…" says Harry the panic is peaking. Draco advances on him. Harry Begins to Shreik—yes folks, I said SHRIEK—And claw at the walls. Oh no. I really must put a stop to this, and yet… I am watching the Claw marks form in the wall. 

"Come now, Potter, Just because it's dark in here doesn't mean we can't, set it on fire…ifyaknowwhatimean…"Says Draco. He puts his hand on Harry's Shoulder.

Oh GOD! Narrator Guilt trip.

"AAGGH!!!" yells Harry, Crossing his legs, "No is No is No!" 

"Oh, but you owe me! I'm Playing along with your little Narrator Prank!" the Narrator makes a mental note to look into that later but is now extremely absorbed… "and You know the rule, 'Ass, Gas, or Grass, nobody rides for free' and I don't have a car and I don't smoke…"

"First off, Yes you do smoke, You must, how else could we explain you? and if that's what it takes, I can hook you up, I know some twins who know some people down in Hogsmeade… Second, what do you mean By 'Rides'? and third, it's Not MY Narrator Prank!" Harry ticks these off on his fingers. "NARRATOR! YES! Hey, Malfoy, The Narrators in here, she has to be! NARRATOR! ARE YOU THERE?!?!?!"

Yes. I'm right here. You don't need to shout.

"Oh Good, See Malfoy?" says Harry with much relief. 

"Oh, Damn." Says Malfoy "Can't I get any bloody privacy?"

Yeah, sure, Draco, How about Harry and I leave you alone and you can do…whatever you gotta do…and we'll just go about our business?

"AACCKK!" yells Malfoy! He holds up his finger and thumb, "I was that close!" he appears to be thinking for a moment, then says, "Well, you better Keep your mouth shut if you know whats good for you!"

Oh, Dear Boy, You think no one's guessed? The Narrator collapses in fits of hysterical laughter at the mere thought of people actually thinking Malfoy was straight.

"Shut Up! Or I'll, I'll tell my FATHER! Ha!" says Malfoy

Whats he gonna do to me? And I think that he would be rather interested in this, how about _I _tell him, hmm? Oh, that _would_ be fun… now, boys if you'll excuse me I have to go Find Cho Chang and hit her over the head a few times…

"Why?" asks Harry

Because I _Can_!!!! Ha Ha Ha Ha! The POWER!!!! La la la la. Narrator Fairy walks out of the closet in Search of the Ravenclaw seeker.

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There, now, that wasn't TOO painful, was it? thanks  Nimmy Heart for the Cho suggestion, although when I started off I was going to do that anyway, but then I got into the "story" if you can call it that…and forgot…heh heh.  REVIEW PLEASE!


	5. Note To Self: Hide Harry's Clothes

A/N: Sorry It took me so long to put this one up, I havn't been feeling all that creative and I've been stuck. Well, I'm still stuck and still not feeling very creative, but I have people waiting for this next chapter….Okay, okay, it's more like ONE PERSON…maybe two…as far as I know…REVIEW PEOPLE!!! So anyway, sorry if this is stupid or doesn't make sense, I'm just trying to move it along. 

A/N2: Do I really need to keep doing this? We'll just pretend I do so I don't look stupid AND I don't get sued! Everybody wins. I don't Own any of these characters except the Narrator.

And The Random capitalization. It's in there. As always.

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Note To Self: Hide Harry's Clothes

heehee! Hi it's the narrator and I am positively giddy, because I have just bludgeoned Cho Chang. She looked at me wrong, I've been Harrowed lately, so sue me. You know perfectly well she deserved it. 

Now, I know there was something I was supposed to look into what was it…what was it….? Feed my cat…? No……did that already. Call my mom…? No……don't want to. Pay my rent….? Aw Shit! That was it. Excuse me I have to go I'll be back. Hell, you won't notice, nothing happens without me…  

  Okay, I'm back. And it turns out I did have to feed my cat…anyway, time to get down to business. Wait…There still feels like there was something I was supposed to do….suck up to my boss…? No, I already did that and I got THIS gem of a job, oh, joy. Oh, Well, I know it had something to do with my job now…I'll go find Harry, maybe he knows.

The Narrator locates Harry in the boys Showers. 

"HEY!!!" Shouts Harry. "I don't think you're supposed to be in here!"

Once again, the narrator is merely doing her job, its not my fault if this is where the story takes me. Anyway, The narrator, (me) has come to ask you if you know What I'm supposed to remember. 

Harry walks over, wraps a towel around his waist, much to the narrator's disappointment, and says, "Huh?"

Well, because I got into beating the crap outa—um, I mean, My job. And forgot, and since you've been around all this time, I just thought you might know. It had something you and Draco in the closet….

Harry lets out a strangely High-pitched cry. "What?" he says, "I don't know what you're talking about. That never happened." 

Yeah it did. I have it on tape. Lucky for me I had my "Note to self" tape recorder with me. My recorder! I can go through my notes to self, I must have said something about what I'm trying to remember. The narrator pulls a little black box out of her pocket and pushes play.

Note to self: Stop Expecting My Goldfish To Feed Itself. 

Note to self: Call Mom

Note to self: Nevermind, don't Call Mom.

Note To self: See Doctor About this Rash

Heh heh….SSSQQQQQQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE the narrator fast forwards the tape. We can skip that…

Note To self: Club Cho Chang With Something That Will Hurt

Note to self: Eat Shepard's Pie

Note to self: Move to Greenland

Note to self: Nevermind. Too Cold there.

Note To self: Look into This 'Narrator Prank' Draco Spoke of

AHA! Here we are! Now I remember! Now, Harry, Dear, 'fess up. 

Harry looks uncomfortable. "If You Recall, I said it wasn't MY narrator prank."

Well, Explain Yourself, because if this was just some stunt to piss me off and drive me nuts you have succeeded.

 "I'm Sure there's a good reason for it!" said Harry nervously, "it was Dumbledore's Idea…"

WHAT!!! Why the hell would he do that???? I don't believe you. Remove your towel.

"What?"

Oh, sorry, Freudian Slip.

"Oh, ok."

Now, take me to Dumbledore. NOW.

"Er, can I put my Clothes on first?"

NO. you Heard me. Take me to Dumbledore NOW.!

So Harry, Wearing naught but a towel, Leads the Narrator through Hogwarts. Along the way, they pick up a sort of demented entourage. This includes, but is not limited to:

Ginny Weasley. (of course! It's Harry Wearing nothing but a towel, Where else would She be?) Fred and George Weasley (they are busy trying to pull the towel off… The Narrator wonders about this but is far too disappointed that She had allowed Harry to magic the Towel snug. Oh well…) Ron Weasley (who Fred Has Hexed and now has Donkey ears.) Seamus Finnigan and Dean Thomas. (doing nothing interesting) Parvati Patil (looking Pleased) Snape (Singing Show Tunes) (?) Hermione Granger (giggling Madly and dancing a jig…) (?) Draco Malfoy (Also Giggling madly, but for a different reason than Hermione, and cheering Fred and George on…….) Percy Weasly Squawking about how may rules were being broken Colin And Denis Creevy. (Jumping up and down overexcitedly) Several Dogs. (?) 

And many more by the time they reached Dumbledore's Office. Okay, does anyone know the password?  

Silence.

Son of a—just as the narrator was about to finish, The Gargoyle stepped aside and Dumbledore appeared.

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ok, there. I'm leaving you hanging. But it's you're fault. You people Aren't reviewing like you should!!!!!!! And to Claire, Hi Claire. And to Me123, She reviewed more than once, that makes her special. Goomba did too, but she's just my sister. ANYWAY, Sorry, That the uh, "Plot" Didn't go to far, but there was nudity…Harry Nudity. Ten times better. Where to go from here? Any Suggestions? I'm open here. Review.


	6. Things That Must Always, ALWAYS happen, ...

Welcome back ladies and gentleman! Well, I want to take this time to say thank you personally to each of my reviewers, because I've noticed that people who do this get more reviews. And also, I love each and every one of you.!!! 

Thank you to Someone who Knows You, which I know is Claire, even though her reviews don't make a lot of sense, They are often kind of long… so YAY!

Thank You To Shadow, yay for mindless insanity. And your timeless words of wisdom.

Thank you to Goomba, Who reviewed with nice things, but she is also my sister and I know where she lives…My House! So who knows if she was telling the truth or was just  frightened? 

**of course, I know the three of them and made them read my stories, so they only count for half  …but I love them anyway, of course, so they had better not get all indignant on me. ESPECIALLY you, Claire, because I know you would.**

And on to the rest:

Thank you to Nimmyheart, She helped with the plotline. And everyone should agree with her because everyone should want to see Cho Chang Get hit over the head.

Thank you to Lemonhead! And I indeed will consider adding this character…and I definitely love the idea of having the teachers in a kickline…

Thank you to Katzztar, yes, that is also why I love the mindless insane things….I am glad you reviewed. It was very important. Your review let me cast aside the shreds of the point that I started out with and just go. Thanks!

Thank you to Icicle. She can't take the suspension. I hope she's alright. She says I did a lovely job. Go me.

Thank you to Avalon Larkin. Hey, I know someone with the same last name as you. Do you know a Kyle?

Thank you to Satan's Fox, who likes the word pointless, and point… and likes foxes. Yay.

Thank You to Soror, I'm very sorry that you died multiple times, I wish you a full and speedy recovery! And yes, it is perfect, isn't it?

And Last but Certainly not least, 

Thank You to Me123, who is as of now my biggest fan and has Reviewed A total of three, count 'em three times! YAY! You win. If I had a prize, I'd give it to you. 

Okay, now that I've taken up all this room and made this chapter seem longer, On with the Story!

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A/N Lookout for random capitalization and whatnot. I Do not own anything. Except that blue pencil over there  and a teddybear.

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Things That Must Always, ALWAYS Happen, Do!  

    Dumbledore blinks at the crowd of students, one teacher and The Narrator (that's me, Hi Mom.)  

   "Hello Severus." Dumbledore said, the corners of his mouth twitching as Snape does his Big finish, ("YOU'RE GONNA MAKE IT AFTER AAAALLLLLL!!!!!!!" Throwing his arms in the air and falling to his knees. Applause sounds and roses are thrown at him from somewhere, I don't know where because everyone in there was dead silent….. ) 

Right….Um, Professor, We've got a bone to pick with you! Actually, _I_ have a bone to pick with you, I don't know what they want.

   "Well, I wouldn't mind Some proper clothes, Professor." Pipes up Harry. I DON'T THINK SO, HARRY, DEAR. "Aaww." Says Harry.

  Well, I guess you had all better come in then," says Dumbledore. "Except You, You and You. Because I don't like you three." Says Dumbledore pointing to three people who are in no way important to the Harry Potter story, but who came along for the ride anyway. They groan disappointedly and sulk away. Right then, lets go. So everyone goes into Dumbledore's office. Once there, Fawkes flies from his perch and lands on Harry's Shoulder.

"AAAAAAAHHHH!" Screams Harry as Fawkes' Claws sink into his bare shoulder. Fawkes Immediately begins to cry and his pearly tears heal up Harry's Wounds. He then perches himself on Harry's shoulder again "AAAAAAAAHHHHH!" screams Harry as Fawkes' Claws sink into his bare shoulder. Fawkes heals it again. And settles back on Harry's shoulder. "AAAAHHHHHH!" Screams Harry as Fawkes' Claws sink into his bare shoulder. Fawkes Heals Him again and settles back on Harry's Shoulder. "AAAAHHHHH!" Screams Harry as—oh this is stupid! Let me save time here. This goes on for about an hour before someone thinks to just bring Fawkes' perch over next to Harry so the bird can sit on it. There. Now, on with what we were doing. Dumbledore.

   "Yes?" Says Dumbledore from behind his desk where he is seated.

Now, I have come here to have some questions answered and I'm not leaving until I get what I came for! 

  "Fair Enough. Fire Away, but could you keep it brief? I have to play a croquet game with Remus Lupin  in awhile." Dumblesore says.

  Right, where was I, Oh yes—Whoa! This just in folks, Suddenly a hole is blasted into the ceiling of Dumbledore's office and Through it, Falls Voldemort. That's Right. The Dark Lord Himself! 

   "What?" Cries Harry, "Why?" Well, because what's a good fic without Good old Voldy? 

 "Yeah, but that's my Mortal Enemy!"  whines Harry.

   Hey, its Something that must always  ALWAYS happen. Besides Harry, Who would you be without Voldy?

  "A normal, Happy kid. With Parents." Spits Harry, in rage. 

  Oh, right. That. Well, that may be true, but You would not have a successful book series. 

  "Tuh. So?" Says Harry darkly, "Then I wouldn't have stupid Twits Narrating my life." He said.

EXCUSE ME? YOU THINK THIS IS A PICNIC FOR ME?  THE FUCKING DARK LORD JUST APPEARED!! OH YEAH, THAT'S REAL GOOD, LA DI DA DA DA DA! LETS ALL DANCE AROUND! I'LL PROBABLY BE DEAD BY THE TIME THIS IS DONE! OH, HOW HAPPY!

   "Sorry," said Harry. "I forgot." 

Forgot? Forgot What? Whatever, anyway, back to the issue at hand…. Voldemort is standing in a corner looking malicious. 

   "Hello, Harry Potter." He says Coldly.

   "Uh, Hi." Says Harry, waving.

   "Do Not Be Insolent." Says Voldmort.

   "Uh, Sorry." Says Harry.

   "Oh, yeah, Potter? Well I have a present for you." Says Voldemort with a malevolent Grin.

   "OH! What is it!? Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!!!!" Harry Says, Running towards Voldemort with his arms outstretched. 

   "Stay! Right where you are." Says Voldemort. Harry Skids to a stop right in front of Voldemort.

   "Well Well, Harry Potter. My how the Tables have turned. Here is Me, standing before you in my all powerful and Evil Glory, and here is You. Wearing a towel. Ha." Says Voldemort Quietly. Harry looks down at his towel and blushes. "Now, Harry, I have something for you…." Voldemort Reaches into his Robes and pulls out a Ham Sandwich! *Ominous Music* Everyone in the room gasps and takes a step back. Harry Stares at the Ham Sandwich, a look of sheer, Absolute hatred on his face. 

  How DARE you! How could you do this? You stupid pud-thumper! I'm gonna KILL YOU! The Narrator Throws Herself at Voldemort but Trips and hits her Head on Dumbledore's desk. And, Of course, everything goes black. 

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There. How was that? The plot even sort of progressed a little. Ok……I hate that Stupid 'Word' Paperclip. He is looking at me. Anyway, I decided to stop here because, well, with the narrator unconscious there is no one to tell the story, and I have to go to the bathroom. And I have to go to bed. And I am hungry. And it is late. Ok. Review please and you too can have happy little shoutout. Yay!

One more thing, I didn't proofread this cuz I didn't feel like it. Sorry. But I did sort of skim it, looked okay to me.


	7. Ladies and Gentleman, Stuff Happens....

I think you all should know, That When people review my stories, I read their Stories…Its an excellent way for me to find good stories written by people with similar interests, and A good way for YOU to get YOUR stories read (and reviewed) Just letting you know.  ANYWAY,

Thank you to Me123. Wow, I am on someone's Favorite Authors list. I feel so ….I don't know. Good. Well, I'm glad you enjoyed. I will continue then. 

Okay, that's all I got, folks. Onward!

And Random Capitalization. Its there.

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Ladies and Gentleman, Stuff Happens…

  Bonjour les Dames et les Garcons. Je suis Le Narrator et Je suis dans un Room avec Le DARK LORD. Ok, enough French, anyway, I'm in a room with the dark Lord, a bunch of Scared People, Severus Snape who is Wisely hiding behind the Crowd so as not to be seen by the guy who is supposed to be his employer…and Dumbledore And Harry Potter who is Twitching with fury and Voldemort dances around Him Waving a Ham Sandwich in his face.  ?

   "La La La La La. See the Ham, Harry? It sees you to!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!" He Says a little too happily…

Anyway, I just woke up, My Head Really hurts, and I'm tied up. So is Harry, but No one else is. Not Fair. Why the Hell isn't Dumbledore Vaporizing this Guy?

"Oh," Says Fred Weasly Stepping Forward, "He stepped Out to get some lunch."

What?! When? 

"While you were unconscious." Said Fred. 

Oh. Thank You Fred. You were Very Informative.

"Anytime." Said Fred and Stepped back amongst the Nameless Faceless Crowd. 

Suddenly, Someone in the Crowd of bystanders Sneezes, Loudly. Voldemort looks up From Tormenting Harry. "That Sneeze! I'd Know That Sneeze _Anywhere_! Snape!" 

A Loud "Fuck!" Can Be heard from behind The Crowd, and Severus Snape Steps Forward. And Bows Deeply. "Hi, M'lord. I like Your Robe. It's Nice. Velour?"

"Oh? Yes, Yes it is, I got it in Milan, 50% off." Replies The Dark Lord. 

"Oh Really? Well, That Was quite a Steal!" Says Snape.

"Yes, Well, they Don't call me the Dark Lord For Nothing." 

"Oh, No. I expect not, M'lord." 

The Narrator is watching this incredulously. Is This What Evil People Do? Is This What they talk about? Damn! I always thought it would be fun to be evil. No fair. 

"Well," Says Voldemort, "We do this, and we kill people. Insolent people. People who annoy us."

The Narrator is Perfectly happy with listening to Snape and Voldemort talk about Italian fashion For Eons. Really.

Suddenly, Colin Crevey steps forward, pointing a finger at Snape accusatorily, "I always KNEW you were Evil!!! I Knew it!!!" He says. 

Harry rips his eyes away from the Ham Sandwich to look at Colin. "Duh, Colin. That's old news. You don't know the Half of it, now, Shut up, shut up right now and Get back before you get yourself and everyone else killed." He says. Well Said Harry. Well Said. But The Poor Narrator does not even get a polite acknowledgement for her nice compliment because Harry has Gone Back to Staring loathingly at the Ham Sandwich. If I were that Ham, I would Be quivering. Positively terrified.

"Oh, Shut up, You." says Voldemort, "Or I'll Kill you first."

Oh, shit. Its Just not Fair. I'm only here to narrate the fucking story, why should I get dragged into this!? I Do NOT need this! It's just My job! I picked it because I love Stories, I love Writing, And I love fiction! I HAD A DREAM!!!! I want to be a writer someday! I'm going to be rich and famous! A spotlight comes on the Narrator as she speaks and sympathetic music plays quietly in the background. Thank you. I Just need to pay the bills! I just Need to Feed my cat! I just need to buy all kinds of shoes! It's Just My _JOB!!!  _**_WHY MEEEEEEEHEEHEEHEEEEE?_** The Narrator Begins to sob uncontrollably. Then she quickly composes herself because sobbing uncontrollably makes it difficult to narrate. *Sniff*  Right. Sorry. *Sniff Sniff*  Anyway, Snape is standing next to Voldemort Smirking as Harry twitches. Slimey asshole. When the hell is dumbledore getting back? Oh, shit. Voldemort Is advancing on the narrator. Oh god, I'm gonna Die! Tell My Lawyer that My Sister can't have any of my stuff… tell my Mom I love her….give My cat to my Friend Jessica…Harry, I love you!

"What?" Says Harry.

Huh? What? Nothing, I didn't say anything. Hey, look Harry, Ham.

"Ugh, Ham" says Harry and Turns His Hateful gaze to the Ham Sandwich. Hey, wasn't Voldemort advancing on me? Shut up shut up. No he wasn't.

"Yeah, I was, but I got bored during your little monologue and went back to my Evil Corner. It's much Eviler over here, eh, Snapey?" says Voldemort.

"Oh, Yess M'lord. Fer Sure." Said Snape as everyone raised an eyebrow, except for Ron because he couldn't raise One Eyebrow, so he raised both. 

"Oh, good," says Ron, "I was wondering when I'd get mentioned. It's been ever so long since I was."  Right. Okay…. Well, back to _RELEVANT_  Things….

"Hey!" Says Ron, "Mean."  Anyway, Something exciting should be happening about now………Now………………..

Now…………….  Everyone stands around looking  uncomfortable……… now…..….maybe not….

Suddenly, there was a crash and Someone comes swinging through the window on a silver rope. He falls on his face. "OW! Sonofa—" Says this Er, Mysterious stranger. He stands up. "Have No Fear, Gilderoy Lockhart Is Here!" Heaven help us. 

"Uh," Said Snape. " Didn't you lose your memory? Didn't you go away forever?"

"Yeah, I lost my Memory, and I still have a gap of about thirty years—" Lockhart Blanches, and his Eyes Widen….  "Ah! I mean, twenty-two years! Ha ha, of course. Heh heh. But I remember who I am. ME! Lockhart the Wonderful! but that's about it. I don't remember much of my life before….But I am Here to rescue you all!" Right. A voice can be heard amongst the crowd that can be identified as Hermione's.

"Wow! He's Really brave. Huh, Ron. Right? Right Ron? Am I right? Huh?" thank you for that Hermione. Shut up. 

"You are most assuredly Correct, Miss Granger." Says Lockhart Haughtily. "Now, What is the Peril you poor people face? What is it? Pixies? I've learned how to handle them. Not so hard as you all thought. What is this danger? What?" He looked around the room. Turn around, Lockhart, dearie. Lockhart turns around, and sees who is standing in the corner.

Voldemort waves. Snape somehow smiles Sweetly. Hey, cool alliteration. Go me. 

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHAAAAAAHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" screams Lockhart and he jumps right back out the window, unfortunately for him, he neglects to grab the rope he rode in on. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA—" Thud.

"Oh Dear!" Squeaks Hermione, "I hope He's alright." 

"Oh, Shut your hole, Hermione." Says Ron. Right on, Ron.

"Thanks." Says Ron, Graciously.

"Thanks Again." Says Ron. Wow, he's much better at taking compliments than Harry, who only has eyes for that STUPID HAM! Harry look up from the ham sandwich in Voldemort's hand. 

"Huh?" he says. 

Oh nevermind. Look, does anyone have any Midol or Asprin or something?????? No one says anything. Fuck you all. I have to go to the bathroom. Voldy?

"It is down the hall, I believe. Snape, You may Escort her, see that she does not get away." Says Voldemort. Stupid jerk. He's so obviously enjoying this. 

"Of Course." Says Voldemort

Um, Mr. Brilliant, I'm tied up. 

"What, Miss Narrator, You can't Hop?"  Says the Dark Lord. You Bastard. 

The Room is Filled with Voldemort's high, cold laughter. That Bastard. 

The Narrator Hops sulkily out of the room followed by Snape, also sulkily. 

Down with the Dark lord. 

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Well, there you have it and there you go. Chapter seven as Promised. It took me hours to write it. I was busy, okay? Now, review review review. Because you love me. And I love you. (not in any kind of kinky way. Sorry.) anyway, I don't know whay I just said all that. All I meant to say was please review. It's been a very stressful night.


	8. Gentlemen, Welcome to Flavor Country

I'M BAAACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And now to commence with my triumphant return to the internet after four weeks of groundedness, On With The Story!!!!!!!   :

(Random caps, rampant commas)

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Gentlemen, Welcome to Flavor Country

The Narrator hops furiously behind Snape who shuffles furiously ahead of her. The narrator feels that she should be where the action is. I mean, How am I supposed to narrate when I'm out here in a corridor? Why—

"SHUT THE HELL UP YOU STUPID PONCE!!" Yelled Snape.

Oh hell no. it's on. 

"oh I would _love_ to see you try." Said Snape Saucily. Saucily? 

"Saucily?" Said Snape. 

Sorry, man, it's chapter eight and I'm running low on synonyms. 

"S'okay. So, did you really have to go to the bathroom?"

uh, no. well, yes, um, well not anymore. Mostly I just wanted to leave the room.

"Right. So what are we going to do?"

Huh? About what?

Snape motions in the direction of Dumbledore's office. "_That_."

Oh. That. I dunno. You're the Double Agent, not me. 

"Well we have to think of something! I thought that's why you got us outta there, so we could plot!"

Oh! Well, yes. Of course that was my plan all along. 

They both sit down against a wall to ponder the circumstances. 

Hey, maybe I could distract him and you could put a potato sack over his head and push him out the window. 

"Hmm…no, that won't work. We mustn't reveal my treachery."

Please yourself.

They contemplate a little more. 

"Oh, I know! You could go up to him and prod him with a red-hot poker and—"

stop right there, Snapey. I refuse point-blank to antagonize the Dark Lord.

"Well, Have You got a better Idea?" Snape said irritably

……um…..yes. Yes I think I have. 

"Huh? You do?"

Yup.

"Well, spit it out!"

No need for snippyness.

Suddenly, before the narrator could as snape so eloquently put it "Spit it out" Draco Malfoy came running out into the hall screeching incomprehensibly. He dashed over to Snape and the Narrator, babbled incoherently and then fainted.

Snape and the Narrator stared down at Malfoy's unconscious body. The narrator kicked him a couple times. Each time he made a small noise. 

Hee hee! *kick*

"mrph…"

Hee Hee! *kick*

"mrph…"

"Stop it already! I thought you had a plan." Said Snape.

I do. I do indeed. Suddenly Malfoy sat up and began to shriek again. 

"YOU GUYS GOTTA GET BACK IN THERE THIS SECOND RIGHT NOW CHOP CHOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" 

We will leave it at this for the time being.

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Well I think that was like my first chapter since school started. So what if I'm a little rusty. I haven't had time for anything but homework and some sleep. High School is a Horrible Bitch-Goddess. Never go there if it can be avoided. 

Anyhow, I'm sorry for this chapter, I had to write something. And I really do have a plan. Honest. I just didn't feel like typing anymore. Once again, I apologize. I'll do much better next time. 

Oh, and about the title, its completely irrelevant. Disregard it. I hjust needed a title and have always wanted to say that. 

Oooh! Look at the veins in my hands, their sticking out. Weird. 

I'm babbling. 

Je regrette


	9. Beatings, Cursing, and Partial Nudity

Okay, Here we go. Another happy chapter! This chapter is chock full of pork bashing, violence, Profanity, stupidity, and, because I love you, SHIRTLESSNESS! 

Disclaimer: I do not own any Harry Potter Characters, or The Subway Sandwich Company. 

Oh yeah random Caps and all that loveliness.

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Beatings, Cursing, and Partial Nudity

Snape grabs Malfoy's shoulders and shakes him in an attempt to calm him. And says, surprise, surprise, "Draco, Calm Down!"  

   Draco stops squirming and muttering unintelligibly. He blinks dimly and says, "Professor, you've got to get back in here YOU'VE GOT TO!!!! It's _Horrible_!" he says through stifled sobs. 

"Draco, What on earth is the problem?" Snape says, clearly rather alarmed.

"My Father's come! You have to save me! He's MAD!" 

The Narrator wonders if he means mad as in angry or mad as in crazy. She also wonders whether or not she would like to be witness to such displays. But it seems that while the narrator was pondering, Snape had been convinced to go back into Dumbledore's office and is hurrying to keep up with Draco who seems to have been possessed by a jackrabbit and is moving incredibly fast. Not wanting to be left behind, the Narrator hops quickly in order to catch up with them.

When the Narrator reaches the room, she was met with a sight that will haunt her nightmares forever. Harry Potter, in all his sexy glory, was still tied to a chair. The crowd of bystanders had lessened greatly, the only remaining people were, Fred and George, Oliver Wood, Ron, and the Creevey Brothers. The Narrator Supposes that these people are in some way relevant to the plot and dismisses the change. Wormtail seemed to be asleep in what Voldemort had deemed "The Evil Corner".  Voldemort was even sitting back in Dumbledore's Desk (The narrator would like to take this opportunity to indignantly cry out, "The AUDACITY!") and watching what he seemed to think were the "Festivities". Snape stands beside Voldemort, Draco huddles in a corner, And Lucius Malfoy is standing on a cabinet against the back wall yelling obscenities and wearing, Mother of God, A coat made of every kind of pork product imaginable. 

"HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! WE'VE GOT YOU NOW YOU STUPID LITTLE DOG-STUFFER!!!!!!!!!" dog stuffer? How horrid. That was uncalled for, Lucy. But Lucius doesn't seem to notice anyone except Harry. Harry is shaking with insane rage. The Narrator will do her best to refrain from commenting on how incredibly HOT Harry is when he's angry and attempt to keep to the rapidly unfolding plot. 

Harry seems to have regained some of his compusure. "Damn you, Ham. Lucius, if I were you I would get that lunchmeat and other bits of dead hog out of my face. Right now."  He says dangerously. The Narrator wipes some drool from her mouth and continues to narrate. 

"And what if he doesn't, Harry?" Says the Dark Lord coolly.

"Yeah, what if I don't?" Said Lucius stupidly.

Harry looks over at the narrator. What? Are those birds, I see? He Winks, and nods at Snape. The Narrator looks over at Snape, who looks back at the Narrator meaningfully. The Narrator takes this to indicate that she should execute the plan she spoke of out in the hall. The only problem is, since Draco came and interrupted our brainstorming session, There are still a few kinks to work out. Like that I'm tied up.

Suddenly there is a stir from the diminished crowd of innocents. From behind Fred, George, and Oliver Wood, (The good looking ones that the narrator had earlier placed in the front by mentioning them first) emerges Colin Creevey. And in a triumphant flash, He finally does something right. He pulls out his wand and screams piercingly, "_REDUCTO!_"  

Thankfully, this does not blow a hole straight through the dear narrator, but does cut her bindings. I'M FREEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now to execute my plan. 

"Oh no you don't!" Yells Voldemort

Oh yes. Yes I do. COLIN! GET HARRY!

Another earsplitting rendition of the Reductor Curse and Harry is emancipated from his bonds. He Springs like a bat out of hell at the blond man in the pork coat who is perched atop a filing cabinet. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHH!" Screams Harry.

"NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!" Screams Lucius. Harry Proceeds to attack and overpower this sorry excuse for a grown man, and not just a grown man, a grown wizard. The fuckin loser has a WAND for Christ sake! Oh, wait, not anymore, Harry has seized it and is using it to give Lucius a few extra appendages. And what is the Dark Lord doing during all this? He is Jabbing wormtail with a broom handle and yelling for him to wake up. He does wake up, but as The slimey little git is looking blearily around the room, The Narrator heroically Leaps upon Voldemort And begins clawing at his face. 

Apparently, this whole thing was not such a good idea, because it only seemed to aggravate the Dark Lord. He pulled out his wand And bellows, "_Avada Kedavra!_"

The Narrator Stops clawing at Voldemort's Eyeballs and slumps over. Stone Dead. 

Just Kidding!****Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! Suckers!

What really happened is much better. The Narrator Grabs a lovely inscribed candelabra (That reads. "Dear Albus, Happy 100th birthday. I had a _Wonderful_ time last night. Love Effie." The narrator Shudders) And Hits dear old Voldy over the head with it. He is knocked unconscious.

Tired from her epic battle the narrator Stumbles into a corner to rest and narrate the lovely goings-on. 

Harry is still tearing Lucius to pieces. The Creevy Brothers are now assisting him. Whoa, look at 'em go, folks. "Squash that Ham, Harry! Mash those Gonads, Dennis! The Narrator pauses and Waits for Male Readers to finish cringing. Okay. 

And, Ladies and Gentlemen, In the other corner, Oliver Wood Has Removed his shirt and is beating the crap out of Snape.  I guess he's still bitter about the time Snape gave the quidditch field over to the Slytherin team. Ha Ha Snapey. We mustn't reveal your treachery. Heh Heh. Anyhow, Oliver's muscles are working as he Slams Snape into a wall. Oh yeah. But I Can't Betray My Dear Harry! 

Harry looks up From the Bacon he was Throttling, "Huh?" Oh now you notice me? Well, I say nothing. NOTHING! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! The narrator Regains her composure. Uh, Harry, That bacon looks like it may still be breathing.

"Ack!" Says Harry and returns to Strangulation of the poor bacon.

The Narrator Sulks for a moment before informing the readers of the doings of the Weasley brothers. They are beating on Wormtail. The Twins are Working the upper body while Ron is doing some fancy footwork on the lower body. Mostly the nether region. The Narrator Pauses for the Male readers again. On we go. 

Oh, yeah, and Draco is still huddled in a corner, Clearly incapacitated.

It seems to this Narrator that we have come to a stalemate. I don't know what we will do When Voldemort wakes up, Because I can't fight and narrate at the same time. And I think My arm may be broken. Damn Dark lord. 

Abruptly, somehow sensing the opportunity to add insult to injury, Voldemort snaps up and looks around. Seeing that the narrator is the only one unoccupied and since she is the one who gave him such a spectacular knot on his head, pulls out his wand and advances on the narrator. Before She even has a chance to launch into another piteous Soliloquy, The Dark lord, who, by the way is really REALLY ugly, (Hey, I'm about to die anyway, why not?) Opens his mouth to utter those most unforgivable words, "_AVAD_—" 

Then, out of the blue, in the most magnificent demonstration of good luck this narrator has ever seen or has ever dared hope for, The Door Swings open and There Stands Dumbledore holding a bag Depictiong the Subway Logo. 

Cheers, Albus. 

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Well, How was that. I just love cliffhangers. Review, darlings. And for all you Snape fans, I'm sorry I beat the shit out of him. I really just needed an excuse to get Oliver's shirt off. I mean, come on, You can't blame me. You'd do the same thing in my position. Oh, and I'd like to clarify the reason Oliver took his shirt off was so he wouldn't get it all sticky and sweaty as he was beating the shit out of Snape. Yeah, it's a stetch, but it all comes back to one question:

Can Ya Blame Me?

No. You Can't.

But you may all thank me for the Visual and shower me with praise.

I'm Rambling again. I'll Stop now.


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